Water
Author: Matt
This is my step ladder
I never knew my real ladder.
Boxing joke?
Yeah, I could tell you a boxing joke just as soon as I can think of a punchline.
I watched a movie about a man eating chicken
It was ten feet tall and ate half the people in the town.
I’m trying to give up innuendo
but it’s hard; it’s so hard.
Waiter, do you serve chicken?
Please take a seat, sir, we serve anybody.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was soul-destroying.
How did scrooge end up with the football?
The Ghost of Christmas past.
When you die, not all of your body stops at the same time.
Your eyes last the longest. You see, your pupils die late.
TIL scientists ring birds to see where they migrate
I’m completely blown away – I didn’t even know birds could use phones
An engineer, a biologist, and a mathmatician…
These guys get nothing done
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsel-itus
Father Christmas has an exemption to data protection laws in every country so he can maintain a list of naughty and nice children.
It’s called the Santa clause.
How much does Santa pay for parking his sleigh?
Nothing. It’s on the house.
Waiter, waiter – Do you serve wild boar?
No, but I could annoy a tame one for you, sir
If, in Belgium, a team of champian marathon running men (who also happen to be horse racing enthusiasts) steal a shipment of mink-lined boots and escape in a load of speed boats would that be fleet-footed flemish fellows in a fleet fleet fleeing furlongs for fancy fur feet things?
TIL that nine out of ten animal dentists refuse to work on polar bears, brown bears, or grizzlies until the animal has received a powerful anaesthetic. Apparently, there’s safety in numb bears.
My giant mushroom
I ordered a large garlic mushroom at the pub. When it was brought to my table, the mushroom said its name was Bill. He spent half an hour cracking jokes and telling stories. He got a round of beers in for the whole table. He made a few calls and got us tickets to a rock concert.
He was a real fungi to be with.
I painted a picture and it was sent to prison. I think it was framed.
When you turn sixty you can celebrate for the entire day. Two years later, you get only a single minute. It’s your sixty second birthday.
If someone steals your coffee, is that a mugging?
Dad: Please don’t call me tonight.
Son: Why?
Dad: Call me Dad, like normal.