Boy: Dad, are you getting a haircut?
Dad: No, son. I’m getting them all cut.
Author: Matt
I was sitting down looking at my ceiling. It’s not the greatest ceiling in the world but it’s up there.
Dad, can you explain what a solar eclipse is?
No sun.
How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. The narcissist holds the lightbulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
How many elderly Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Change??
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One but the light bulb has to really want to change.
How many Tory MPs does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows for sure. They need to form a committee which sacks at least one member each week due to some scandal or disagreement. The committee will take at least six months to meet and agree on a budget. They will then wait for a new prime minister before they award the contract to a party donor. The donor will be added to the honours list for their “lightbulb altering work”. Eventually, the Tories are voted out of power and the lightbulb is quietly changed by a new administration.
How many DIY enthusiasts does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.
Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?
In case they get a hole in one.
If Baby Groot joined the army he’d be an infant tree man
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit enter a blood donation clinic.
The nurse asks the rabbit, “What’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a Type O,” says the rabbit.
Dude 1: hey, bro.
Dude 2: yeah, bro?
Dude 1: hand me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: brochure.
I saw some teabags on the patio. They were tannin themselves.
I saw Assam, Oolong, and Darjeeling whispering conspiratorially. I think there may be trouble brewing.
Today, the garlic powder, peppercorns, and curry all turned against me. I like my odds, though. Thyme is on my side.
“Did you know that in The Lord of the Rings, Rivendell was built on a low outcrop of stone above the river Bruinen?”
“You don’t say.”
“You could say that Elrond was an Elf…”
“No.”
“On a shelf.”
“I hate you.”
So, it turns out that reading between the lines is dangerous when you’re waiting for a train.
(stolen from Milton Jones)
How does a penguin build his house?
Igloos it together.
There’s this guy, Dave who absolutely hates going to the doctor. Luckily for him, his brother Henry is a veterinarian. So anytime Dave is sick, he tells Henry and Henry will say “look I’m not a doctor but here is what I would do and the medicines I would take”. One day Dave breaks his leg so he calls up his brother and tells Henry he broke his leg. Henry is quiet for a bit and then says “Dave, I’ve got bad news”
Telling bad jokes can be bad for your eyes.
You can strain your cornea