A time traveller.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Category: Dad Jokes
TIL that nine out of ten animal dentists refuse to work on polar bears, brown bears, or grizzlies until the animal has received a powerful anaesthetic. Apparently, there’s safety in numb bears.
I used to know a Serbian roadie. I knew a Czech one, too. A Czech one, too.
I took up coffee later in life. But, you know what they say, “better latte than never”.
I do sing in the car, but only when I’m in reverse.
I’m more of a backup singer.
Q. Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A. Because it’s too far to walk.
Q. Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A. Because he Neverlands.
I got an A on my origami assignment when I turned my paper into my teacher
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
Do railroad workers need to be trained?
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse replies, “Sure.”
Dogs can bark up to 500 times per day. That’s just a ruff estimate.
Q. How many princesses does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Um, excuse me! Princesses don’t change lightbulbs.
My giant mushroom
I ordered a large garlic mushroom at the pub. When it was brought to my table, the mushroom said its name was Bill. He spent half an hour cracking jokes and telling stories. He got a round of beers in for the whole table. He made a few calls and got us tickets to a rock concert.
He was a real fungi to be with.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminium Man.
My superpower would be foiling crime.
Reblogged from @countcol@mastodonapp.uk
I painted a picture and it was sent to prison. I think it was framed.
When you turn sixty you can celebrate for the entire day. Two years later, you get only a single minute. It’s your sixty second birthday.
If someone steals your coffee, is that a mugging?
Dad: Please don’t call me tonight.
Son: Why?
Dad: Call me Dad, like normal.
Boy: Dad, are you getting a haircut?
Dad: No, son. I’m getting them all cut.
I was sitting down looking at my ceiling. It’s not the greatest ceiling in the world but it’s up there.
Dad, can you explain what a solar eclipse is?
No sun.
